2024: The year that showed me how bad it could get.

and how cautious I have to be this year.

Happy New Year.

If this review seems a little late, it is and I don’t think I have an excuse or rather I don’t think one is necessary. Days after everyone has posted their own review of the past year and their plans, ins and outs for this year, I'm just reluctantly writing mine on a lonely Thursday evening. Yes, I chose all to take all this time, and honestly, I would have taken more, to get together a cumulation of how the past year went for me. I'm big on reflection, but these are the kind of reflections I despise, particularly, this one. I despise it because reflecting on it will get me to pull back painful memories and experiences, I'm still healing from out of my tiny little box of traumas I choose to hide things I don't feel like confronting. If reading this already makes you feel depressed, just remember it's 2024 we're talking about here. It wasn't that great.

Let's see...what did last year bring? betrayals, deception and lies, rug-pulls, losses, tons of disappointments, dignity trampling situations, plot thickening scenarios and having to confront old, unconfronted sources of traumas. Yes, it was that bad. it's my second worst year after 2020 and 2021 (no these aren't because of COVID). I think last year was all about showing me how bad things can get. The year was bent on keeping me on my toes and making me rethink that "the worst has happened; it can't get worse than this." train of thought. In fact, it gave a resounding response to "how bad can it get" and damn heard its response loud and clear. It wasn't all bad, but the small moments of happiness don't trump the consistent thought of taking your life. I'm not one to give up but I did get tired of it all and wanted, no needed to be done with it. There is only so much disappointment one can take before they are done with everything.

Being homeless and broke for a short while taught me to be cautious about who I trust. The experience was a jarring one. I think that was the second event of last year that kick started my trip down depression's dark road. It was like dominoes were falling into place. I started to hate everything and everyone around me even after this was resolved. I started loathing myself too.

Oh, did I forget to say that I totally lost faith too? Yes. At some point, it felt like God definitely had it out for me or at least didn't give a rat's ass about me. I stopped talking to him because it felt so hard to do also because why would you want to talk to someone that seemed like he wanted you gone? I don't know maybe I was being delusional. Church became a chore again. I won't say I'm back to fully finding my faith or my place in God again but, I am walking my way back, slowly. When everything else wasn't going to total chaos, it was just a dud. Thinking about it now, I deeply appreciate those moments of dud and solace. Numbness and boredom became like family and held a simple semblance of peace.

All that being said, it didn't all go to crap. A few people made it bearable, and these people have a secret place in my heart. I'm grateful for them and they very well know who they are. It's these relationships that come with no hidden strings at the end of the day, that made life just a bit worth bearing. I'm grateful for the world of books I could escape into when my world was being torn down. Now that I think about it, it's these little things that kept me.

Last year made me realize that the dark places and moments that life set in front of me won't go away and I have to learn to live in spite of them. I have to wake up every day and say yes, not for anyone else but for myself. Darkness will always try to loom, but the most important thing is giving a chance for light to shine.

I go into this year with hopes, but with a different kind of hope that I've ever had. I go with a hope that all the experiences I have this year don't break me but shape me into the kind of person I hope to see in the world and in that light attract more of the kind of people that were a blessing to me last year.

I hope this year comes with the best for you, for me and it's our best year yet.

Have a blissful Year and then some

Hills.